Mannerheimintie, a photo by dumell on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
The main streat in Helsinki / Helsingfors (almost) deserted.

Psychotherapy Diary

So I'm not taking any medication anymore, the side effects became overwhelming from each and my mood is stable right now, so.. I'll stay off for this period of time, of course I dont feel exactly “normal” like I did on sertraline, but I feel like I can handle/manage my mood right now. Hmmm.. So today I went to psychotherapy which I had before I started work, I dont feel like I achieved much .. I've been taking that therapy forrr roughly coming up to two years, and it's been helpful and supportive, but not deeply changing or you know.. I havent had any “epiphany” type feelings there… oh well

Conversion Diary, Week 1, Day 2

today i am free of taking sertraline, and i am beginning to feel the effects.. i feel like my mood is fading a little.. and I’ve been apologising a lot because I’m beginning to feel guilty again.. hmmm ;/ …i had at least 5 times tonight where i retched which is a bit .. blah… ok i don’t know when ill start the mirtazapine, but I’m thinking tomorrow, the only thing is i cant decide what the dose is..

so here are my options:

7.5mg

pros: small, easy amount to adjust to, if immediate adverse effects occur they will be very mild on this small starter dose

cons: mirtazapine rule of thumb: the lower dosage, the more sedation you feel

15mg

pros: get the build up out of the way quicker, get past the sedated phase quicker when increasing dose

cons: heavy side effects are present at 15mg, if immediate adverse effects occur they will be mild to moderate in severity on this low dose

30mg

pros: …. less sedation?

cons: well, memory reminds me that life can seem speedy or racing on this dose, as well as very weird heart rhythms .. !

45mg

ive never actually made it to the whole 45mg i used to be prescribed last year, im not sure why but i stuck to about 15-30mg… so this is unknown territory for me !

im still feeling a few of the side effects from 200mg sert. such asssss.. sexual dysfunction/anorgasmia, weight loss, difficulty sleeping, urinary retention.. headache !

Conversion Diary, Day 1

ok i have no idea what im doing with this.. i was taking 200mg of sertraline, the sexual side effects are fucking pissing me off, yes i would rather go back to depression than this.. its daunting and scares me a lot… even though my mood has lifted, and my energy is up, as well as my weight being down a lot.. i just cant do this :/ its not quite “right” it isnt half as good as mirtazapine.. something just isnt quite right, its like wearing a pretty shoe that doesnt actually fit ? so i dont know :( im going bac kto mirtazapine, i have 5 unopened packets here already from my previous use and i have absolutely no clue how to do this right.

so i dont care much for tapering off slowly, i never find discontinuation syndrome hard with ssri’s so ive gone from 200mg to 50mg this week, and unsurprisingly i feel nothing other than my energy fading away…and no more sertraline “buzz” feeling.. so.. i want to start mirtazapine as quickly as possible, idk what ill do.. mirtazapine is unpredictable, ive taken 5mg and felt extremely sedated and lethargic, yet ive taken 15 mg and felt like i was about to go into a coma.. and 20 mg feeling very energetic ?! right.. lets just say ill start at 5mg for tomorrow, ill take a tiny dose in the morning just to ease it back into my system and fuck i dont know how ill get through work being so sedated, ok ok ok whatever..

i currently have in my system then sertraline, diazepam, promethazine, loratadine and as of tomorrow mirtazapine, i do not even know if they go together but what the hell i just hope they do .

1 ssri, 1 benzodiazepine, 1 antipsychotic phenothiazine, 1 2nd gen. antihistamine, and one TeCA… so this is my cocktail.. i just hope it works out

Sertraline, week 5, day 6

Well I've really messed up the dose now…

In increasing the dose I lost the lifted mood I had, and now if I decrease the dose will my mood be worse .. ? I don't know what to do with it at all, I will try to go back down and only to 100mg, and then perhaps down to 50mg, or maybe just jump to 50mg now.. I do not know… well, one thing I've learnt is in taking in combination with Loratadine and Promethazine, you will wake with a strong headache that lasts hours better known as migraine. I don't know what to do with it at all. I want to add Mirtazapine but how … And I miss my otherhalf a lot right now ;<

Another day at work begins…

Sertraline Week 5, Day 3

I have not slept still and it's 4:41am, so tomorrow I will go out and get some Promethazine straight after work at 1pm, so I can finally get a little bit of sleep. I hope. Also why does Sertraline seem to cause me tinnitus, I have now constant ringing in ears, it started in small bouts but now seems endless… Oh well, I bought a pill container and started filling it.. Perhaps I can post a picture in the next post

Sertraline week 5, day 1

Oh Sertraline, why are we playing these sleeping games.

I've had three lates at work in the last two weeks and everytime the manager asks me “What is the medication your taking for?” I just cant say it. She suggests migraine and I just agree, it'll do, and it's better that way.

Last night I was just laying here for six hours… My body feels exhausted but my mind is never at rest now… How is it that my mind can keep me awake, even when I need to rest. My nightmares continue and they are more like sleeping thoughts, perhaps it's common in depression, I dont know. To have negative ruminating thoughts in the day time, yes I know this symptom, but for it to carry on into the night during sleep….? My nightmares are just bland and negative repeating thoughts of issues on my mind during the day.. There is no escape from my own mind…

My bruxism is becoming an issue, I woke up with blood in my mouth and my inner lip was chewed… Now I know anybody with epilepsy knowledge would think along the lines of seizures when I say that, since I've had seizures in the past.. But really after a full year now, would they just return like that…. I dont know…