MOBILE UPDATE

MOBILE UPDATE

Today was much like yesterday, traveling and au pair work on my mind... I have quite strong wanderlust.

MOBILE UPDATE

Today I've been outdoors drawing and lazing around with meg in the sun. Here are some photographs from my day !













The last one you see my passport application documents there, for my travels to Finland this summer to work as an au pair, for a few different families. I am very excited about that... I wonder if I'll see their midnight sun... !



Promising news this morning about my apartment, its top floor, two bedrooms in a central location of the town, andddddd I've found out I can decorate there AND I wont have to pay any rent, yes it really is that good (so it seems) :D. Congratulations, pour moi !




So overall things are looking good :) I'm newly engaged, new home and travelling to somewhere really nice this summer !

I haven't taken any medication for a month now, I have had some low points, but right now I'm doing just fine without.

Heres me and my boyfriend fiance's song, and a beautiful summer soundtrack ~

今日のランチはチキンリゾット。チキンライスですね。お米を見ると必然的に選択してしまうf(^^; - Espoo, Finland - May 30, 2011 - usuyu's photo on p

閑静な住宅街 - May 17, 2011 - nadeshiko's photo on picplz

閑静な住宅街 - May 17, 2011 - nadeshiko's photo on picplz

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Finland 2011, a photo by kooopman on Flickr.

DSC06603, a photo by Tero Heino on Flickr.

Mannerheimintie, a photo by dumell on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
The main streat in Helsinki / Helsingfors (almost) deserted.

Psychotherapy Diary

So I'm not taking any medication anymore, the side effects became overwhelming from each and my mood is stable right now, so.. I'll stay off for this period of time, of course I dont feel exactly “normal” like I did on sertraline, but I feel like I can handle/manage my mood right now. Hmmm.. So today I went to psychotherapy which I had before I started work, I dont feel like I achieved much .. I've been taking that therapy forrr roughly coming up to two years, and it's been helpful and supportive, but not deeply changing or you know.. I havent had any “epiphany” type feelings there… oh well

Conversion Diary, Week 1, Day 2

today i am free of taking sertraline, and i am beginning to feel the effects.. i feel like my mood is fading a little.. and I’ve been apologising a lot because I’m beginning to feel guilty again.. hmmm ;/ …i had at least 5 times tonight where i retched which is a bit .. blah… ok i don’t know when ill start the mirtazapine, but I’m thinking tomorrow, the only thing is i cant decide what the dose is..

so here are my options:

7.5mg

pros: small, easy amount to adjust to, if immediate adverse effects occur they will be very mild on this small starter dose

cons: mirtazapine rule of thumb: the lower dosage, the more sedation you feel

15mg

pros: get the build up out of the way quicker, get past the sedated phase quicker when increasing dose

cons: heavy side effects are present at 15mg, if immediate adverse effects occur they will be mild to moderate in severity on this low dose

30mg

pros: …. less sedation?

cons: well, memory reminds me that life can seem speedy or racing on this dose, as well as very weird heart rhythms .. !

45mg

ive never actually made it to the whole 45mg i used to be prescribed last year, im not sure why but i stuck to about 15-30mg… so this is unknown territory for me !

im still feeling a few of the side effects from 200mg sert. such asssss.. sexual dysfunction/anorgasmia, weight loss, difficulty sleeping, urinary retention.. headache !

Conversion Diary, Day 1

ok i have no idea what im doing with this.. i was taking 200mg of sertraline, the sexual side effects are fucking pissing me off, yes i would rather go back to depression than this.. its daunting and scares me a lot… even though my mood has lifted, and my energy is up, as well as my weight being down a lot.. i just cant do this :/ its not quite “right” it isnt half as good as mirtazapine.. something just isnt quite right, its like wearing a pretty shoe that doesnt actually fit ? so i dont know :( im going bac kto mirtazapine, i have 5 unopened packets here already from my previous use and i have absolutely no clue how to do this right.

so i dont care much for tapering off slowly, i never find discontinuation syndrome hard with ssri’s so ive gone from 200mg to 50mg this week, and unsurprisingly i feel nothing other than my energy fading away…and no more sertraline “buzz” feeling.. so.. i want to start mirtazapine as quickly as possible, idk what ill do.. mirtazapine is unpredictable, ive taken 5mg and felt extremely sedated and lethargic, yet ive taken 15 mg and felt like i was about to go into a coma.. and 20 mg feeling very energetic ?! right.. lets just say ill start at 5mg for tomorrow, ill take a tiny dose in the morning just to ease it back into my system and fuck i dont know how ill get through work being so sedated, ok ok ok whatever..

i currently have in my system then sertraline, diazepam, promethazine, loratadine and as of tomorrow mirtazapine, i do not even know if they go together but what the hell i just hope they do .

1 ssri, 1 benzodiazepine, 1 antipsychotic phenothiazine, 1 2nd gen. antihistamine, and one TeCA… so this is my cocktail.. i just hope it works out

Sertraline, week 5, day 6

Well I've really messed up the dose now…

In increasing the dose I lost the lifted mood I had, and now if I decrease the dose will my mood be worse .. ? I don't know what to do with it at all, I will try to go back down and only to 100mg, and then perhaps down to 50mg, or maybe just jump to 50mg now.. I do not know… well, one thing I've learnt is in taking in combination with Loratadine and Promethazine, you will wake with a strong headache that lasts hours better known as migraine. I don't know what to do with it at all. I want to add Mirtazapine but how … And I miss my otherhalf a lot right now ;<

Another day at work begins…

Sertraline Week 5, Day 3

I have not slept still and it's 4:41am, so tomorrow I will go out and get some Promethazine straight after work at 1pm, so I can finally get a little bit of sleep. I hope. Also why does Sertraline seem to cause me tinnitus, I have now constant ringing in ears, it started in small bouts but now seems endless… Oh well, I bought a pill container and started filling it.. Perhaps I can post a picture in the next post

Sertraline week 5, day 1

Oh Sertraline, why are we playing these sleeping games.

I've had three lates at work in the last two weeks and everytime the manager asks me “What is the medication your taking for?” I just cant say it. She suggests migraine and I just agree, it'll do, and it's better that way.

Last night I was just laying here for six hours… My body feels exhausted but my mind is never at rest now… How is it that my mind can keep me awake, even when I need to rest. My nightmares continue and they are more like sleeping thoughts, perhaps it's common in depression, I dont know. To have negative ruminating thoughts in the day time, yes I know this symptom, but for it to carry on into the night during sleep….? My nightmares are just bland and negative repeating thoughts of issues on my mind during the day.. There is no escape from my own mind…

My bruxism is becoming an issue, I woke up with blood in my mouth and my inner lip was chewed… Now I know anybody with epilepsy knowledge would think along the lines of seizures when I say that, since I've had seizures in the past.. But really after a full year now, would they just return like that…. I dont know…

Sertraline week 4, day 5

I've been feeling ok lately on Sertraline, but I've noticed some things in particular, my mood only lifts during the hours of 11-17:00 when taken at 7:00 that morning. It seems to have a short peak effect span… And in the evenings I often revert to feeling slower, agitated and low again…The mornings are improving I think a little, since last week at least I feel abit more awake.

The doctors appointment went well I think, about my blood pressure and migraines and slight paranoia/agitation, so the my doctor told me my high blood pressure is related to migraines, and outside of the migraine I have fine blood pressure - a relief! Anddd about the agitation I have been reffered to a different psychiatric outpatient clinic, where I can meet a specialist (I can only assume as last time it'll be a consultant psychiatrist?) who will “liase” with me and evaluate whether sertraline is best for my specific, personal symptoms related to depression, since of course “one pill” does not “fit all” ! I'ts nice that I can get the chance to talk and decide carefully on a medication.

We spoke about how I preferred Mirtazapine, since I found it greatly sedating and claming during tension or stress. So he suggested I next will probably try Trazodone, but first we will increase the sertraline to 200mg a day, and see if it feels any better for me.

I do not feel depressed on the whole, and I do feel the sertraline has taken that feeling away ( I feel a dramatic difference from before treatment!), however there are times I slip and become lower, and other times where I can still feel agitation and paranoia even though my mood itself is ok, or lethargy and apathy similarly… So it's just a matter of slightly altering treatment until I feel completely at ease with myself and not affected at all by this illness.

On a side note, I did a little research into Trazodone as a preperation of what to expect.. According to wikipedia..

Trazodone (Desyrel, Oleptro, Beneficat, Deprax, Desirel, Molipaxin, Thombran, Trazorel, Trialodine, Trittico, Mesyrel) is an antidepressant of the serotonin antagonist and reuptake inhibitor (SARI) class. It is a phenylpiperazine compound. Trazodone also has anxiolytic, and hypnotic effects.^[1] Trazodone has considerably less prominent anticholinergic (dry mouth, constipation, tachycardia) and sexual side effects than most of the tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs).

“SARI” class - I have never tried before, SSRI, SNRI, TeCA and benzodiazepines are the only prescribed mood related types I've tried… So we'll see how it goes..

Sertraline week 4, day 2

Sooo.. I havent updated this for a while.. Things have been different ..

Some things happened with the side effects and I dont know... I started getting what I thought was just migraines,

(midway into week 3 i started getting throbbing sensations and pain in the back and side of my head alternating, when i tried to stand and move more my heart raced fast and the pain got much worse, so each day i just had to sleep it off.. anyway…)

Apparently not, when it happened for the third day in a row I had to rush to see a doctor midway through work, I started feeling dizzy, seeing black patches in my vision and my head felt so heavy and confused, as well as of course what I thought was throbbing migraine headache… when I reached the doctor he questioned me more on my medical history and medications I was taking, as well as symptoms, he then told me I was not suffering from migraine, but he suspected high blood pressure as a side effect of the sertraline. before sending me for a few blood pressure tests he gave me an emergency prescription of prochlorperazine,

Prochlorperazine (Compazine, Stemzine, Buccastem, Stemetil, Phenotil) is a dopamine (D2) receptor antagonist that belongs to the phenothiazine class of antipsychotic agents that are used for the antiemetic treatment of nausea and vertigo. It is also a highly-potent typical antipsychotic, 10-20x more potent than chlorpromazine. It is also used to treat migraine headaches. ~ Wikipedia

There it is above, and weirdly enough you place this pill under your lip and wait for it to dissolve…. Interesting

So… Next the blood pressure tests, as he suspected I had high blood pressure, which had been causing these symptoms and migraines, I measured a 146/90. I had never had high blood pressure, and when I found the normal range was 120/80 I was abit surprised... So anyway I was advised to make an appointment with my regular GP asap, I have that tomorrow at 5:45 or 4:45 or I cant rememeber..

I'm not sure where to start or what to say otherwise, the Sertraline has my mood “racing” as opposed to calmy happy like mirtazapine, I wish I could just go back to Mirtazapine in all honesty.. And I think I will aproach the subject tomorrow, Sertraline is nice and lifting now, but these side effects are hard to deal with..

I felt sad these few days at nights, and I've had some trouble with feeling guilty… i wont write more on this.

Sertraline week 3, day 2

I feel really argumentative and tired and emotional ;( I feel like I could just cry about everything for hours… My head is more than full enough …

Sertraline week 3, day 1

I dont have much to say about the Sertraline, the side effects have much improved and disappeared for the most part, and I am not quite feeling the “positive” effects yet, my mood is not lowered, but lifted to neutral, which is perhaps how it should feel. The last 2 weeks I have had quite heavily disrupted sleep however, a large side effect that has not disappeared, I then go on to have multiple nightmares. I've been a little stressed also, theres a position in the city hospital that I am more than eager to fill… I want the job so much, I'd finally feel fulfilled in the workplace, instead of dreading reading the rota each day. I was speaking to my mom and boyfriend about prospective new houses also, they both seemed to be supportive of my ideas which is good ! Furnished or unfurnished was on my mind a little, how much money and time would I be spending or saving either way….

£475 pcm, quite spacious and light and ideal position.. resonable price, affordable

Some apartments are greatly let down by the kitchen…. I mean why such a dubious position system here… .___. Also £475 pcm as above.

Sometimes I like to tease myself and just look at the highest renting priced properties in the same area, this one is £4500 a month… Ouch

This apartment is £3500 pcm…. Perhaps I should unconsider a career in nursing if I ever want to afford something like this ;______; however, a creative interior could make even the “cheapest” spaces look luxurious and appealing…. !

Tonight was a romantic time spent talking with my boyfriend, we were planning our drinks/movies night soon, among other things(!). It was very lovely, he is the sweetest thing in the world ♥.

Sertraline Week 2, Day 5

Today was not much different from others this week. I have work today and tomorrow, and then Sunday off, and back on Monday for another week… With a few moments off here and there, which I am grateful for deeply. I was thinking of going back to university to restudy in a different area, this year or next, but definitely by the year after that at least. Financially a little stretching, seeing as though I have other things to pay for monthly, personal care and bills. I think I'll finally get around to applying for DLA (Disability Living Allowance - UK) in this week, which I was told I am entitled to perhaps a year ago now, but never quite got the papers done. So at least that should give an extra £200 a month… It'll do, as long as I can stay afloat and afford time with my dearest. My only two essentials to working life…And life in general… !

I visited some shops today and all the same as usual everything just seemed not interesting and grey. I feel quite troubled by this feeling now, as I'm coming home and sitting in one position all night, not really eating anything, doing anything, even after forcing myself to run a bath it still felt quite hard to move… I really hope this will fade. I feel not much “pleasure” or interest from anything… It was managable at first, and noticeable after, but now its becoming a little unbearable and hard to manage… I can feel an uncomfortable distress and dismay, heavy chested pressured breathing and stabbing headaches even when at rest or laying in bed, it feels there is less and less escape…

Sertraline Week 2, Day 4

I have never felt a more strange bluntness and disinterest in “hobbies” or everyday doings as I do now, it's very different and feels like my mind is suppressed somehow…I can't feel any excitement or “lift” or “adrenaline rush”, I just feel like standing in the same spot for hours, not sleeping and no appetite…. “Apathy” is listed as a side effect but is this really it… I feel so still and motionless…

I dont know... I feel very bored overall, like “I'm done” with everything...There is nothing of any interest to me, I can come go online and just predict what I'll see and nothing will mean anything. But the feeling seems to spread, I feel like my daily life actions mean nothing, laying in bed I just can't sleep on this medication, so it feels futile to go to bed, and waking up I cant eat because I have no appetite, I feel like my old “hobbies” that I had motivation to do (barely, rarely and very few might I add) just seem grey, everything just seems hazy and clouded over in the same grey tone...One example, I'm a heavy chocolate eater, I could eat it all day and everyday, and I stood next to a large shelf taller than myself full of chocolates today, it just seemed blank, unappetizing and everything looked the same, there was no spark of interest inside…And I know that isn't major or even “negative” in any way, but it was just an example…

Sertraline is making a mist over everything, it puts things into the same grey colour, and no I do not feel depressed like before, or worse… But that's because I am not feeling anything, others report emotional blunting but I couldn't imagine it for myself, and now I understand. I just feel so unmoved and still.